Are you a good gift-giver? I'm horrible. I used to give people gifts that I would personally like to receive, but now I'm pretty much clueless. Some people really enjoy giving gifts, and that's wonderful. It's not that I don't enjoy the act of giving, I'm just horrible at knowing what to give. And when I know I'm expected to give gifts, i.e. Christmas, I tend to get all weird and resentful at the pressure (not the people), and then I have a little (or not-so-little) crisis about consumerism and the gaping spiritual wound in our society, and that's quickly followed by a mild depression.

I suppose that's the definition of 'neurotic'.

 Do some people go through the holiday season without thinking these things? Shouldn't I be past this?

whatever. 

What do you think about gift-giving? For years I made a point to get the kids simple gifts, and only one per child! I also didn't put the gifts under the tree until Christmas Eve, after they were asleep. I always hated the greediness I felt as a child, counting and shaking the gifts, wondering why I got one less than everyone else. I really hated it, even as a little girl. I tried to avoid it all together with my kids, but that rarely works. I remember reading one of the Little House on the Prairie books where Laura described what Christmas morning was like growing up, and just crying at the simplicity and beauty of it. Just crying at the joy and gratefulness she felt over things like a simple hand-stitched doll, a fresh orange, and a stick of peppermint. What is it about a person who reads something so lovely and just cries about it? What IS that??  

In other news, I think I'm going to stop coloring my hair, for good. These are the things one thinks about at 46. Why did I hesitate to type 46? THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. That deeply ingrained repulsion to anything 'mid-life'. When i was 19, I noticed women in their 40's trying so hard to appear younger, and I swore I wouldn't do that. I had clarity then about how sad and futile (and UNNECESSARY) that was. I want clarity again. 

That's what I want for Christmas.