Tuesday, July 28, 2020

there's nothing to say.
even if there were, i haven't the ability to say it.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Every moment of every day is a hot steaming pile of shame and I'm not having it. I run the other way and see it coming from around the corner. I have no choice but to hide and wait it out. If I have to do anything, pledge allegiance to your cause, or wear your badge of authenticity for you to love me, you can piss off. 

Solitude is wonderful and I love my own company. 

I'm beginning to wonder what percentage of adults can think for themselves. 

Thursday, June 11, 2020

I just woke up about two hours ago, first day  off of work since March. it felt so good, i felt that lighthearted happiness that a kid feels on vacation. i laid (?) in  my hammock for while, made coffee with whip cream on top, and then i meditated for 15 minutes. i tried meditating in college but it never clicked. now it is getting better, but my mind goes non stop. is that the mind trying to sort things out, involuntarily?

i don't know what's going on in our world today. i feel distant and i like it. i don't like being pressured into anything. i find myself pushing away from all pressure. i wish more people would, on all sides.

politically, i'm pissed off. at everyone. stop pushing me. i'm not your pawn. good or bad i don't know. i'll be over here and try to remember to love one another. isn't it really that simple?

i want to be outdoors, alone.
i want to be light, physically and spiritually.

and at the same time i'm wanting to learn more. more anatomy, treatment techniques, hands on. i want to be more intuitive, which sounds like a contradiction, but i think that confidence/intuitive hands on mode comes from knowing the facts / anatomy / technique so well that it is no longer conscious recall of knowledge but deeply embedded memory.

i like being teachable. but not mindlessly lead-able.

i'm feeling more connected to my body and want to move more, stretch more, sweat more. i'm remembering how athletic i once was and how good that felt to own my body and push it.

and at the same time to no longer solely identify myself by my athleticism (step daughter of a coach/gymnast/injured track runner). that part of me feels so distant now. so performance based, always a step too slow for total approval.

feeling less desperate for intellectual recognition than years past. that's huge.

feeling way less concerned about being seen as interesting / intelligent / attractive.
huge again.

seeing these kids be forced to stay home together, enjoying each other. finding comfort and healing together with laughter and silliness. that's huge. probably the most joyous thing my heart has seen in recent years

seeing them hurt, letting them hurt, not rescuing them. and then seeing them move forward.

i keep having this memory and it morphs.
in a guest bedroom, 6 years old, lots of other kids with me, nap time after a long hot morning of playing outside in the water. swamp cooler droning on, heavy homemade quilt on top of me, weighing me down with comfort. time to sleep with a full belly and nothing else. freedom.

Thursday, April 9, 2020

This week in bullshittery:

my employer asked for physical therapists and occupational therapists to volunteer to see c19 patients. A couple days later they requested that we send them selfie photos in our handmade personal protective equipment, for marketing purposes. Keep in mind, a person can be positive with c19 while showing no symptoms. We have to assume every patient we see has it and we have to assume that we have it. Why would we not be given n95 masks one might ask? But I digress. after being asked to volunteer to see positive patients as well as being asked to send selfies  for marketing purposes, my employer had the audacity to send us each a letter stating that effective immediately our rates would be cut by 45%. Not only that, but full-time employees would now be considered per diem, and they will only receive insurance and financial benefits, which they were promised, if they could guarantee and achieve full-time patient care. This will effectively pit employee against employee as they will compete to keep their schedules. We have no control over this though, because with the pandemic our patient load has decreased significantly. My great employer has simultaneously used our photos in our homemade masks for marketing purposes while cutting our rates and taking away insurance from families who desperately need it. That is the biggest bullshit move I have seen in a very long time. I wonder if the CEO still has medical coverage? I wonder if HIS pay was cut 45%?

 Maybe I'll apply at a grocery store, I hear they're handing out gloves and face masks to their employees.

PS. I received my n95 mask from an artist friend who had one for ceramics. And I'm buying my gloves myself. FOR PROFIT HEALTHCARE IS BULLSHIT FOR EVERYONE BUT THOSE AT THE TOP.  I assure you, the margins are primary, NOT patient care and satisfaction.

Saturday, March 14, 2020

i can't believe i haven't written anything since december.

i think about writing often, but there's never time or energy to do it.

in january, after two months of low patient census at my regular job, i got a second job. it's quite different than typical home health, in that the average patient age is 41, we do not accept medicare, and the patient diagnosis are all neurological.
it feels like a good fit.
i've always enjoyed neuro. it feels like what therapy was originally intended for. getting people back to function. bringing back things that were lost. with orthopedic patients, i can prescribe exercises, and they can either do them or not. progress forward or not. with general medical, we can advise exercise, better diet, better habits and safety, and they basically ignore us. with neuro, people tend to be highly motivated. they've lost a lot of function due to stroke, spinal cord injury, traumatic brain injury, etc. they want to regain the ability to work and play. this agency is especially unique in that we specialize in getting the patient OUT of the house and back into the community, meaning we actually do therapy away from home. if the patient likes to fish, we go fishing. last week i went to a history of flight museum. we practiced balance, walking, talking, processing, etc. i loved it.

that's work. and i'm still working for the other agency at the same time, which keeps me going all the time.

i know why i'm doing this. obviously the extra money is nice. we'll have two teenagers driving soon, so there's the insurance, etc. but i simply can't sit around and worry. i'm trying to create that distance with the kids, because the worry is starting to kill me. the transition from teen to "adult" has proven painful and difficult. i'm not good at letting go. i know why. try as i have, i seem to be anchored to a deep fear of losing a child. i have done deep trauma therapy, years of talk therapy, etc. it always helps, but the physical trauma, the going through it. that's what has stuck with me. the mental process and grief has been done and done again. there's something i can't explain. it's the realization that horrible, shocking things can and DO happen, and we have zero control over them. they impact everything in our lives. everything. from how quickly i anger, to how quickly i trust a new friend. i still jump at loud sounds. i still get angry when the room is too loud and too much is going on.


so i'm pretty far from focusing on the kind of self care that requires quiet solitude. i'm trying to recreate a life for ME that doesn't revolve around them. and in doing that, i'm busy. i'm not saying it's the best way, i just don't know how else to do it. long stretches of quiet solitude usually lead me to worrying about things i have no control over. and worry makes me miserable.

we are living in weird times, aren't we? i don't know what will happen with work / school / coronavirus. i can't imagine we'll be encouraged to keep seeing patients for much longer.

we'll see.


till next time.

Tuesday, December 31, 2019

brain dump:

this year was a blur, like the one before it.
the changes i'm facing are nearly all internal, mental shifts that all seem to be hitting at once.

work: my empathy is running low. i get burned out seeing people with such little regard for their health. my response is detached. if you don't care, nobody can help you. lack of empathy slides into cynicism, and that's fuel for depression. add corporate micromanagement and putting profits FAR above actual patient outcomes and i'm bordering on wanting to change professions. for profit healthcare just seems to be an impossible situation. maybe i'm just in the wrong place.

kids: i knew this part would be hard for me. i don't know how to parent in the transition to adulthood. how much do i say? how much do i help? i'm at a loss..... i'm operating out of pure fear and that's no way to be...

marriage: i love him. i wish we had more time together. we really do like each other, and that's important to me. i feel like he misses me because i'm struggling to keep my head above water emotionally.

physical: i've gained weight due to an ineffective antidepressant and being sedentary for several months. depressions sucks the energy out of me. i miss camping. i want to walk more on the trail and just be outdoors more. i've been exhausted this year, with trying to help my kids, patients, in laws... i often want to sneak away for a couple days and do what feeds my soul...

personal: my self has be buried under piles of worthless worry. it's such a waste of time and energy. i miss my enthusiasm about photography, camping, friends... i feel resentful about creating. everything feels stupid and i don't know where to start. probably doesn't matter. each day is a new change. hell, each hour is a new chance. is there an age where you're supposed to quit thinking so much about yourself? if feels self-indulgent, but it's impossible to be functional if you don't think about your self. it's not like it was several years ago, i'm not totally self-centered. i'm just trying to not totally lose myself and my joy for life. that's not wrong, is it?

spiritual: i feel both more connected and less. more in that i feel God's presence when i pray, when i walk, when i hold that tension in waiting for the next step to develop. i feel less connected to others spiritually, but that's easier to remedy, i think.

i need hope. i need grace. i need courage. i need to let go.