Thursday, November 3, 2016



Remember my comment recently about how "some people show up well-dressed, five minutes early, and cheerful"?

Well.

I've envied her for years. I admit it.

A few weeks ago I was shopping when she bumped into me. 
She literally fell into my arms. 

She cried hard, telling me how out of control life was...how desperate and hopeless she was. She said she'd lost herself 22 years ago. Twenty two years.

I just held on. And then I cried a few tears of conviction, for being judgmental and jealous, assuming that her life was perfect, when she was in such incredible pain. It really did look perfect from the outside. Seriously.



But as I walked away, I felt so...convicted. You know? When a life-lesson hits you right in the face? STOP ENVYING OTHERS.

It steals my gratitude and turns it into dissatisfaction. 
It creates intense, dangerous discontent.
And it's a LIE.

Everyone suffers.

some folks just work a lot harder at hiding it.
and that in itself is a form of suffering, I suppose.














Wednesday, September 28, 2016

Moral question of the day.

Let's say that you have a chronic condition, or struggle, or burden. (Think medical, psychological, mental, emotional, financial, etc.)  If you could pass it off to another person, anonymously, would you? By this, I mean that you cannot choose who receives your condition. It may be your best friend, a total stranger, or your worst enemy. (If you have a lot of enemies, let's talk about that later.)

So. Would you pass it on?

Monday, September 19, 2016

Harmon Direct Positive Paper Fiber Based - and how it relates to life.




this life can be fun. 
if i'm in an adventurous mood, willing to deal with it's harsh contrasts.
but when i'm tired
and out of ideas
and the people i love
don't love themselves
it's not fun
i feel like a new parent
when every situation is a first
and my stomach is nervous 
when it hits me
just how little control i have



















so i bought this new paper, and i keep buying film. and i don't even know why. i guess it's because i find it fun. and it's not hurting me or anyone else. and maybe that's the best we can hope for in life. find a hobby or group of people that bring you closer to peace, and stick with it. you can't change other people or control them. it's enough to take care of yourself.

i'm trying to make sense without telling other people's stories. 

i think that the wise thing to do is: take care of myself DAILY. show how i feel and be honest. show up. i'm here. i'm praying. 
is it possible that things really ARE this complicated, and i just don't want to admit it? or is it a matter of perception? (yes)

i've lost a few friendships in the past 2 years. mostly because i don't have the patience anymore to hear about minutia. "i hate my job" THEN QUIT. "i miss my ex" GET OVER IT. HE LEFT YOU. "i need therapy" THEN GO. you know? i have no patience for inaction. DO SOMETHING. weed them out. make new friends. get some perspective. and then...i don't feel free to talk about my life. because...i get silence in return. i know i'm not exceptional in any way. (or we all are...whichever). but who cares about the rising cost of insulin and how dangerously low she went last night when we could spend an hour complaining about your sex life. (hint: nobody cares) oh, and i think that those all-too-often moments of terror are cumulative. they do something to a person. (i don't want to be so jaded. maybe i needed a little jadedness but not this much.)

the thing about isolation is ...it begets isolation. 

my prayer is for a right perspective. i know i'm off at this point.






Tuesday, September 6, 2016





This is 4x5 ortho film, which is very contrasty. next time I'll pre-flash it. (Oh, and my scanner died this weekend...so I got creative. Opened a white screen on the Kindle, placed film on top, shot a pic of the negative with my phone, the inverted it with in camera editing software. Hey, it works...kinda.)








This lady was so fun. She didn't speak English, but when I approached her, she immediately started posing. I couldn't help but laugh just a little at how happy and uninhibited she was. That's a breath of fresh air around here.





I also spent a lot of time experimenting with Harmon Direct Positive paper this weekend. 1. contrasty  2. slow  3. very fun