Thursday, December 6, 2018

I'm hardly present, it seems
and so time seems to be speeding by
it's stupid to stay so busy
because the waters are relatively smooth right now

I had become so accustomed to storms, that I'm uncomfortable
with the calm

who was it who said that freedom was terrifying?
he was right

they need me less and less,
and I may become one of those women
who forgets who she was
and adopts puppy after puppy
just to have something to hold

I don't know who I'll be


I'm so negative right now. hating on strangers
pissed off at coworkers
and crying when they're in their rooms
more therapy? maybe I'm eternally broken.

I read this blog, back to 2012, and I think I 
was smarter, more insightful, and healthier. 
that's great. going around the loop again.

maybe I'm tired.
I do know that I have no tolerance for bullshit. 
I have little tolerance for anything. 
my walls are high.

I'll read this in a couple years and have no idea
what I was talking about on this day.


this week a coworker spoke to me like a hateful 
parent speaks to a 3 year old child. she accused me
of going through someone's desk. she's about ten 
years younger than me, and it completely blew me
apart. I was shaking, I was so angry. the more I talked
the less she said, and that made me even angrier. 
I wish I had handled it differently. 
I seem to be really bad at dealing with difficult people.
maybe I am more difficult than they are. 


I watched President Bush's funeral proceedings on TV
this week. I felt an old familiar sense of goodness and 
peace that I haven't felt in years. 
I missed going to church and feeling a connection 
to other believers and having a sense of God's presence
and love.
I enjoyed hearing about how GHW Bush enjoyed life and
lived it to the fullest, well into old age. 
I love that he told jokes and gave people nicknames and
took pictures of his staff napping. 
I hope we can once again have a good, dignified, courageous
person as President soon. Maybe I've completely misjudged
trump, but he seems like a man baby to me. He seems so 
undeveloped in so many ways. we'll see. my conservative
friends seem to view him completely differently...nearly as 
if they are wearing rose colored glasses. I tend to think I'm 
not wearing ANY glasses anymore, but maybe I can't even 
see them. maybe I have an ideology and don't even realize
it. either way, he lost me long ago, and I can't in good 
conscience support him. funny to look back at the Clinton years
and see the differences and similarities between the two men, 
and how the media treated them differently, but each one has
blind followers who refuse to consider the other side.
what's that old Avett Brother's song about how a man's life
doesn't change by who's in office? 


I wonder if my job does anybody any good?
I wonder how I ever had the determination 
to get through school. I'm so glad I don't have
to do it again. if I did, I'd study photography/
drawing/poetry and I'd probably have to work 
as a bank teller or daycare worker to pay the 
bills. would that be better? is it more noble to 
do the thing you love or the thing that supports
your family?

am I doing anything at all that's noble?

does everyone go through these things...
whatever this is?
did GHW Bush go through periods of blah?
I cried every time someone mentioned Robin 
at the funeral service. 
I think I need to be more social
and be around like minded adults. 
I think I need to serve others. 
I think I need to set goals and get serious
about having more fun.

ok, good talk.

Saturday, November 24, 2018

I'm just stirring the pot, trying to conjure something....

Saturday, November 3, 2018

Every university student activist in the US needs to read this. and re-think how "oppressed" they really are. 

Friday, October 26, 2018

Welcome to the State Fair of Texas!

 I have to admit, there weren't as many characters as I'd hoped for, but after four hours in 90% humidity, I was done. See you again in ten years! ;-)

Friday, October 19, 2018

the older I get, the more I question things. seems I didn't question much of anything until I was nearly forty.

I've questioned things to the point of wondering if there is any true goodness in anyone, anywhere. virtue signaling is so typical now, that if there is any true goodness, it goes unspoken, as it should. and I hate being so cynical all the time. I know it's probably just a projection of my own inner life. my own selfishness. and I'm even tired of that...tired of being ashamed all the damn time, that I'm not (enter virtue here) enough. 
some popular ones:

1. kind (this one REALLY bothers me, because true kindness doesn't wear a banner or announce itself. But this theme of "kindness" is really just self-righteousness in disguise. bugs me.
2. productive
3. charitable
4. political (if ONE MORE person tells me to register to help me...)
5. social
6. religious
7. feminine
8. woke (don't even get me started)
9. outspoken
10. outraged (are people really that angry all the time??)


I've never lived in another country, so my view of the world is very limited. 
but I wonder...what would it be like to be free of consumerism, capitalism, institutionalized education, politics, and the deep dissatisfaction that is bred by these very things. 

I guess I'll never know. but it's fun to imagine. 
I don't envision a liberal utopia. my vision is more of a spiritual freedom...from dissatisfaction and discontent. an education based on deep wisdom that comes from eternal truths. 

my thin, superficial perception of God has been beaten and battered by several years of cynicism, and that's probably what has led to a distrust and disconnect from my fellow humans. I miss..and yearn for...that deep love for others. that clarity that I felt when looking at and seeing those around me. that warm acceptance and connection. I miss it. I remember when I first accepted Christ as savior. It was as if I had new eyes! Everything actually looked different, especially other people. My heart was open and free. I miss it. 

and that's my prayer. 
because even if I don't have it (the freedom, the love, the clarity), I WANT to have it. 

I cannot will it into existence, this love, this freedom, this clarity. but I WANT it. 
and that's one step closer than I was when I started typing this. 

steady on.