Friday, October 19, 2018

the older I get, the more I question things. seems I didn't question much of anything until I was nearly forty.

I've questioned things to the point of wondering if there is any true goodness in anyone, anywhere. virtue signaling is so typical now, that if there is any true goodness, it goes unspoken, as it should. and I hate being so cynical all the time. I know it's probably just a projection of my own inner life. my own selfishness. and I'm even tired of that...tired of being ashamed all the damn time, that I'm not (enter virtue here) enough. 
some popular ones:

1. kind (this one REALLY bothers me, because true kindness doesn't wear a banner or announce itself. But this theme of "kindness" is really just self-righteousness in disguise. bugs me.
2. productive
3. charitable
4. political (if ONE MORE person tells me to register to help me...)
5. social
6. religious
7. feminine
8. woke (don't even get me started)
9. outspoken
10. outraged (are people really that angry all the time??)


I've never lived in another country, so my view of the world is very limited. 
but I wonder...what would it be like to be free of consumerism, capitalism, institutionalized education, politics, and the deep dissatisfaction that is bred by these very things. 

I guess I'll never know. but it's fun to imagine. 
I don't envision a liberal utopia. my vision is more of a spiritual freedom...from dissatisfaction and discontent. an education based on deep wisdom that comes from eternal truths. 

my thin, superficial perception of God has been beaten and battered by several years of cynicism, and that's probably what has led to a distrust and disconnect from my fellow humans. I miss..and yearn for...that deep love for others. that clarity that I felt when looking at and seeing those around me. that warm acceptance and connection. I miss it. I remember when I first accepted Christ as savior. It was as if I had new eyes! Everything actually looked different, especially other people. My heart was open and free. I miss it. 

and that's my prayer. 
because even if I don't have it (the freedom, the love, the clarity), I WANT to have it. 

I cannot will it into existence, this love, this freedom, this clarity. but I WANT it. 
and that's one step closer than I was when I started typing this. 

steady on.

Thursday, October 4, 2018

why do we feed the fire? I really despise social media....

Wednesday, October 3, 2018

I found a calligraphy set at a thrift store recently, and I'm reminded how soothing it is to practice lettering. It seems crazy now to think that my third grade teacher made time to teach us calligraphy.

I took this bad mobile phone picture at a coffee shop recently. (I know, coffee My favorite Uncle used to put my arm behind my back and hold onto it until I yelled, "Pabst Blue Ribbon!!". So....that made me smile.

Work is work. small town is small town.
i find i do best when i escape into the nearest wooded area with my hammock and my dog.
this suburban life grabs me when i'm not looking, and pulls me into a whirlpool of busyness and ego-stroking brownie points that the tiny culture applauds as clear indicators of a proper motherhood. i hate it...deeply. in this case I'm not a proper mother. I need a wilder, less structured approach.
i'd rather avoid the crowd and the nonsense. there are times when I'm surrounded by adults and not one meaningful comment can be heard. not one. it's as if everyone was handed a script when they moved here, and the goal is to conform and be quiet. very quiet.
life trickles by in a series of moments, some wonderful, some awful.
sometimes I handle these moments like a grown up, and sometimes I can't handle anything.

i still struggle with connecting to and relating to other people, maybe more than ever before. it seems like there's so much misplaced anger in the world. even among neighbors. what are we all so pissed off about? and i see how anger just gets passed from one person to the next, burning us up and keeping us focused on things that don't matter. it seems like this has gotten significantly worse in the past few years. I hope it gets better soon. I'm making a conscious effort to let go of the crap the the media wants me to stay pissed off about. but it's not easy.

i want to train my thoughts on what matters. seems like most everything is a grand distraction from the precious moments that make up our finite time here. i don't care about the kids' grades as much as their hearts. grades will come. public school here isn't an education, anyway. not really. that will come much later. the real education happens after class, in conversation, in nature.
I need to go camping.