Sunday, November 15, 2020

i just discovered that most of my favorite music involves Jeff Lynne in one way or another. and i can't get to sleep. they're not related.

Saturday, November 14, 2020

reasons

my reasons involved feeling trapped. trapped and overly-domesticated. I remember the first time i heard "overly-domesticated". it was an accurate description, because i was SO domesticated that i didn't realize there was anything else. it starts early...immediately. and once i knew, there was no going back. no more heels and jewelry to church on sunday. no more church on sunday. no more smiling when respected men made offensive comments. no more answering questions from underserving people. no more explaining why...fuck you, that's why. i went too far into the wild, but it was necessary. i want my girls to know that there is no "normal". there are no "good" girls and "bad" girls. it's all a lie. and that's what i know. I don't study it anymore, because once i started seeing it in my life, why read about it? why stoke a fire that burns on it's own? Raising girls is like walking a tight rope. I know what I saw growing up, but their experience is different, still. we're not equal. we're ALL objectified, and WE do it. i'll never stop believing that we can do better.

Friday, November 6, 2020

hey

i talked to a therapist last night, and it was wonderful. he has magic skills. he listens to tangled up thoughts, stands in the middle of crashing waves of emotion and deciphers deep feelings. he sees truths that hide from me. i'm on that old wheel again, of forgetting. how long did i study myself and discover truths that never change? but i'm further along, i know. i'm okay, i assured him. i'm not hopeless, just feeling my way around a new place i dislike boredom, but this is too much. too loud, to angry, too isolated. i miss campfires and warm hugs long talks and making plans so here i go making plans again. jumping back into myself a bit. maybe starting a new project? maybe.

Monday, September 14, 2020

New cyanotypes 2019 / 2020

This process is actually helping me with composition. I think I'm making some progress here.

just to touch base

I've been shooting a lot of instant film lately. I invested in a fully manual camera and I'm really enjoying it. There's a tall stack of images piling up that I have no idea what to do with. I guess I'll start giving them away. I'm terribly out of shape right now. Need to start walking again. I know I'd feel so much better if I got back to exercise. I'm ready for campfires and sleeping bags again. Ready to get the heck away from these four walls. heaven on earth: waking up to a cool morning, making my coffee and sitting outside lying in the hammock and reading my book napping with the windows open, cool breeze blowing over me walking in the river with the dog, sitting quietly by on the rocks remembering that this is what is real.

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

there's nothing to say.
even if there were, i haven't the ability to say it.

Thursday, June 18, 2020

Every moment of every day is a hot steaming pile of shame and I'm not having it. I run the other way and see it coming from around the corner. I have no choice but to hide and wait it out. If I have to do anything, pledge allegiance to your cause, or wear your badge of authenticity for you to love me, you can piss off. 

Solitude is wonderful and I love my own company. 

I'm beginning to wonder what percentage of adults can think for themselves.