Lately I feel myself putting up hard boundaries. Around my free time, around my work obligations, and around my response to other people's anxieties. I don't want to work more (period). I don't want to spend my free time in large crowds feeling overstimulated. And I don't want to bear the burden of alleviating anyone else's anxiety. I get asked a lot of questions in my family. I think for 20 years I've been the planner, leader, executer. I'm tired of that now. I don't know when the flight leaves - look it up. I don't know why the dog is making that sound - look it up.  Can I file an official resignation letter from this position of leadership that I never really wanted to carry? Can I just look after myself for once? It's not that I want to be alone, but I want people to own themselves and not look to me for answers. 
I have no answers. I want to live in a cabin in the woods and shrink down smaller and smaller and smaller. I'm officially off cymbalta. 



 


Comments

-FJ the Dangerous and Extreme MAGA Jew said…
2 steps forward, 1 step back. A strategic retreat always beats a full-out rout. Don't give up entirely on anxiety, the curse of "otherness'. Otherness often has a kinder, gentler, more caring side as well. ;)
June 8, 2024 at 10:08 AM
-FJ the Dangerous and Extreme MAGA Jew said…
It just needs to be "combat trained" in live-fire exercises. So you learn to train your stress-responses.

Fear is the mind killer. It must be "trained", slowed down, through exposure to stressors and educated to trust in itself, in its' ability to overcome (or at least not succumb) to the stressors of anxiety. Trained until it becomes like a "muscle memory".
June 8, 2024 at 10:16 AM
-FJ the Dangerous and Extreme MAGA Jew said…
I know, the balancing effects of neural re-uptake inhibitor drugs take time to achieve, finding the right dosage over a long period of time is the art. You can't just "start" and "stop" quickly. Monitor yourself, and don't be so obstinate so as to not make a strategic retreat if things become to hairy. And know that even if you do, restoring the neurochemical balance will take time.
June 8, 2024 at 10:23 AM
-FJ the Dangerous and Extreme MAGA Jew said…
I went from a medium dose of Effexor XR, to a small dose, to none over a period of ~2 years.
June 8, 2024 at 10:29 AM
Thersites said…
...but yeah, for a long time I thought that I wanted to live alone in Ted Kaczynski's 10x14 cabin the woods of Montana. But I suppose I got over it. I hope you will, too.
June 9, 2024 at 12:56 PM
Jen said…
<3 to you.
I haven't started another ssri or snri. While I do believe that they help me when things get really dark, they also make me walk through life with a thick protective film over my heart that keeps me from feeling joy, excitement, anything really. Plus I lose all drive and motivation and just feel so exhausted so the time. I want to develop grace with my loved ones so that when those anxious and trying moments happen, I can observe with love and not internalize their feelings. I'm getting there.
Maine is so beautiful. It's quite chilly day and night, and it feels heavenly. My eyes feel so fresh and flowers are prettier. And a strange observation... People drive better than in Dallas! No kidding!

Anyway, Boston was rainy and busy. We did spend a few hours in Salem and that was fun. I found a new broom stick so that's a plus. ;)

I'm going to sleep so well tonight. The windows are open and the breeze is cold. I've got a thick quilt over me and I'm tied. Have a good day my friend!
June 9, 2024 at 9:42 PM
-FJ the Dangerous and Extreme MAGA Jew said…
Glad to hear that you're enjoying New England. It's been cool the last few evenings in Maryland, too, mid 70 daytime highs and upper 50's nights. it's not exactly "quilt" weather, but I do have a light blanket on when I open the window and go to bed at night. I took the quilt off the bed in mid April when it started warming up.

Enjoy Maine!
June 10, 2024 at 6:26 AM
Jen said…
Got back home today. A few observations: I do get antsy when I can't see any horizon for days on end. Boston was fun, but I could only take small doses. The coast of Maine was overwhelmingly beautiful and soothing. We took a 2 hour "tour" on a 110 year old sailboat and I felt incredibly calm afterwards. My whole body relaxed and my mind was at ease. That felt so very good. We made another trip up to Acadia National Park and my favorite spot was a sandy beach framed by huge boulders. The water was in the low 40s and people were in their swimsuits! I visited my favorite little used book store in Camden and bought several books. And of course I spent a fair amount of time looking at home prices in the area. Apparently Maine had a population boom in 2021 and home prices have gone up quite a bit. I might have to visit Montana to see what they have available in my price range. I hear it's fairly remote..;-)

I'll post pics soon..
June 16, 2024 at 9:49 PM
Thersites said…
Sounds like you have new rituals for visiting sacred spaces. I look forward to the photos! :)
June 17, 2024 at 10:19 AM
Thersites said…
ps - I love to browse home prices in Alaska, on the coast north of Vancouver. ;p
June 17, 2024 at 10:21 AM
Thersites said…
...It's a might bit more "rustic". ;)
June 17, 2024 at 10:22 AM
Jen said…
Oooh Alaska! Have you been?
June 28, 2024 at 10:48 PM
Thersites said…
No, never been. Maybe someday I'll hop on a ferry from Bellingham (near Seattle or Vancouver) and go visit my sister and BiL in Kodiak. I have been to those two cities (never Bellingham). I can't really go now, but maybe one day, while I still have the energy. ;)
June 29, 2024 at 8:44 AM
Thersites said…
Oooops. Wrong link. here's the right one. *blushes*
June 29, 2024 at 8:46 AM
Jen said…
That looks amazing. More enticing by the day.
June 29, 2024 at 7:36 PM
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