Physical therapy is going really well. I'm honestly enjoying the experience of being around young therapists and other patients. There's a camraderie in the PT clinic very similar to the weight room, or the training room of the field house. I miss my athletic self. I miss the connection with other athletes. 

............

We've been taught to strive for the wrong things. It's all about status and recognition. But who really gives a shit? If you're not at work, earning money for rich a-holes you'll never see and who don't give a shit about you or what you do, who really cares about your advanced degrees? 

I sound pretty crude. I'm probably just insecure that I don't have a terminal degree. I just see so much ego and so little humanity. But that's "work", right? Hard to combine the two. Any attempt to usually goes terribly wrong. 

Working in healthcare once had an element of humanity that outweighed the push for profit, but from what I'm seeing, those days are gone. I've honestly considered working in hospice to get back to the humanity that is lacking in corporate healthcare.

I ran into an old church friend. She's one of those that has never stopped trying to get me to come back to the local church. It's been 14 years since I went regularly. She looked me in the eyes and told me she's going to come visit me at home to get me to come back. I think I'll have to just tell her the truth: I'm MUCH happier now. It's not God that I dislike, it's church (and even some folks specifically). She would likely not believe me. Honestly, my life is better. I still believe in Christ, I just don't like dressing up and NOT talking about what's really going on in my life. It's so exhausting and it left me feeling hollowed-out and lonelier than ever. If I wouldn't hang out with those people on Friday night, how can I smile like an idiot when I sit next to them on Sunday? I mean, let's have a few beers and get real. Said no Baptist ever.

I got a haircut so I took a photo of myself.

Right now I like being alive. I'm not as clear as I would like to be, but I'm experiencing beauty, and that's something. Maybe Nikhil has rubbed off on me, but I'm no longer seeking those moments of overwhelm, those moments that I was taught were God. I'm seeking beauty, however and wherever.

I'm feeling somewhat in possession of my self, somewhat calm in my age and experience. 

 We went shooting today at a state park and listened to good music. The afternoon light on the falling leaves mixed with the music and brought the tears out. I needed it.