the older I get, the more I question things. seems I didn't question much of anything until I was nearly forty.

I've questioned things to the point of wondering if there is any true goodness in anyone, anywhere. virtue signaling is so typical now, that if there is any true goodness, it goes unspoken, as it should. and I hate being so cynical all the time. I know it's probably just a projection of my own inner life. my own selfishness. and I'm even tired of that...tired of being ashamed all the damn time, that I'm not (enter virtue here) enough. 

some popular ones:

1. kind (this one REALLY bothers me, because true kindness doesn't wear a banner or announce itself. But this theme of "kindness" is really just self-righteousness in disguise. bugs me.

2. productive

3. charitable

4. political (if ONE MORE person tells me to register to vote...so help me...)

5. social

6. religious

7. feminine

8. woke (don't even get me started)

9. outspoken

10. outraged (are people really that angry all the time??)

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I've never lived in another country, so my view of the world is very limited. 

but I wonder...what would it be like to be free of consumerism, capitalism, institutionalized education, politics, and the deep dissatisfaction that is bred by these very things. 

I guess I'll never know. but it's fun to imagine. 

I don't envision a liberal utopia. my vision is more of a spiritual freedom...from dissatisfaction and discontent. an education based on deep wisdom that comes from eternal truths. 

my thin, superficial perception of God has been beaten and battered by several years of cynicism, and that's probably what has led to a distrust and disconnect from my fellow humans. I miss..and yearn for...that deep love for others. that clarity that I felt when looking at and seeing those around me. that warm acceptance and connection. I miss it. I remember when I first accepted Christ as savior. It was as if I had new eyes! Everything actually looked different, especially other people. My heart was open and free. I miss it. 

and that's my prayer. 

always. 

because even if I don't have it (the freedom, the love, the clarity), I WANT to have it. 

I cannot will it into existence, this love, this freedom, this clarity. but I WANT it. 

and that's one step closer than I was when I started typing this. 

steady on.