Saturday, August 26, 2017

again







I'm in the dark place again.
Cold feeling in my chest.
No sleep or escape from thoughts.
No perspective.
No peace.
Who is God.

I don't speak this language
I recoil from it because it comes at me aggressively
asking intimate questions with no need for answers.
Are you spending time with the Lord?
Are you spending time in the Word?
Because you know, that's how he talks to us.

this pseudo-intimacy.

This line of questioning is so intrusive and shaming.
I have a physical reaction
I lean back and want to run away.
And then that feeling of isolation grows.
when will i stop asking for what they cannot give?

-anon


14 comments:

Joe Conservative said...

The poetic torture chamber of language... ;)

Jen Brimmage said...

The depression is circumstantial. Not being able to articulate anything only frustrates me more.

Inspector AIPac said...

Then you need to write more poetry...

from the same source as above: This is also why, in order to get the truth to speak, it is not enough to suspend the subject’s active intervention and let language itself speak — as Elfriede Jelinek put it with extraordinary clarity: “Language should be tortured to tell the truth.” It should be twisted, 
denaturalized, extended, condensed, cut, and reunited, made to work against itself. Language as the “big Other” is not an agent of wisdom to whose message we should attune ourselves, but a place of cruel indifference and stupidity. The most elementary form of 
torturing one’s language is called poetry.

-FJ said...

You're original, Jen. You're not a copy, like the rest of us!

-FJ said...

Now, where did I leave that identity disc?

-FJ said...

I've got to get back to the disc (identity/politics) wars!

Jen Brimmage said...

I don't know how original I am, FJ, but thank you.

I've realized a LOT about myself in the past few months, primarily due to exploring homeschooling with a curriculum that has a Biblical world-view. Fascinating how much I have changed in the past decade and didn't even realize it until now. I mean...a LOT. So much in fact that I experienced a crisis over it. Where do you fit in when you've stepped outside the lines of "doctrine"? I remember a blogger (you know her) talking about this "dangerous new trend" of Christians watering down their faith by not taking the accepted stance on divisive issues in the church (gay marriage, divorce, addiction, etc.). Well, looks like I'm one of those watered down Christians now. ;-) I'm just not so black and white anymore. I think most people aren't, they're just usually too scared to talk about it. Anyway, the cold feeling in the chest is subsiding, thanks in part to cymbalta. :p

Jen Brimmage said...

p.s. i have a theory:

people who hold a very unforgiving / unaccepting view of others are still "young" in their suffering.

just a thought

Inspector AIPac said...

Pretty good theory!

Ducky's here said...

I worry about you Jen when you sound like yu've just returned from a Bergman marathon.

I wish I could give you some useful advice on how to handle this mood.

Jen Brimmage said...

Hey Ducky, thank you. It has lessened. I keep hoping those dark periods will eventually stop, but it may be part of my makeup. Camping season is here, so that will definitely help.

Z said...

I, too, hope you're better for the camping season and other things.
I wish we could talk on the phone about the thing you said above about a blogger they know and the opinions of Christian faith and difficult issues.
Definitely most people aren't black and white. Doesn't mean they're not faithful Christians.

Z said...

amazing to talk.........love you, girl xxx

Jen Brimmage said...

It was so good to talk to you Z!! Love you too!