Thursday, December 18, 2014

pick something do-able

If I could ever look at a photo and see the symbolism in my life, now is that time.
It's unrelenting. I set up all of my darkroom equipment, and printed photos for four days. I worked during the day and after the kids were in bed. And I had a feeling of satisfaction, tinged with anger. Everything seems to be tinged with anger lately. It's as if I am doing things just so I can say "I did it". There's not a lot of personal satisfaction involved. It's just going through the motions. 

And photography is just lingering on the sidelines. I've drawn and painted. But still, nothing seems cathartic or relaxing. 

It seems that everywhere I look, I'm angry. But with what? With whom?

I suppose it's all part of the natural process. 

Denial and isolation 
Anger
Bargaining (how?)
Depression
Acceptance

i hope it doesn't last too long. 
hell, i'm even angry that i have to go through these steps. 
i'm angry about everything.

reason says: this is all part of life.
i will just focus on keeping my feet warm...that seems do-able.









































37 comments:

nicrap said...

Excellent photographs, Jen. And Seasons's Greetings, my friend. :)

Jen Nifer said...

Thank you, nicrap. :-)

The Absolute Marxist said...

I suspect that we all desire greater recognition for what we accomplish. Unfortunately, it's never forthcoming in quantities sufficient to satisfy out ego's and "justify" our efforts.

Ah, what the heck, just kill somebody! THAT will make you feel better. I know that it does, me! ;)

The Absolute Marxist said...

See! :P

Thersites said...

It must be a sign! ;)

Jen Nifer said...

North Korea on the brain, eh fj?

Nah. It's not about recognition. It's about finding some respite. Just stopping the hamster wheel of ridiculous worry. Trying to feel some happiness. ...

Marcus Fidel said...

I think it is related to being human :-). Be gentle with yourself. I was reading last night and I came across this idea that art is to take something mundane and help us see it as beautiful. It requires presence. I think you have accomplished this goal in the photos you posted. Stay present even during the suffering. Ours is the suffering way. There would be no great art or poetry without suffering. :-p.

-FJ said...

Some very sage advice, Marcus!

-FJ said...

I wouldn't be easy, but it sounds, "doable".

Ducky's here said...

Wondered where you've been.

I hop that Christmas is a great time for you and your family, Jen.

Isolation

I pick up on it a lot but I also believe it's transient and often a choice.

Jen Nifer said...

It's wonderful advice, Marcus. And I agree completely. The problem is...when I get to this point, I forget. Literally forget everyday. So don't worry about reminding me as often as you feel like it. It's always welcome. :-)

Jen Nifer said...

Thanks, Ducky. We will be visiting family out-of-town. I'm still dreaming about Christmas in a small cabin somewhere away from civilization... :-)

I hope you have a serene Christmas.

And yes, isolation is usually a choice.

Right now, I'm grateful for my blog friends, some whom I know face-to-face. You are all good eggs, and I appreciate you.

nicrap said...

...can you be an egg and yet allergic to eggs (because i am)? ;)

Jen Nifer said...

Yes!! it's a little known fact. :-)

maybe I should call you a good potato instead?

nicrap said...

maybe I should call you a good potato instead?

...and i you a Glutton. ;)

-FJ said...

Potatoes? Eggs? Tortilla! :P

Jen Nifer said...

With salsa verde! ;-)

nicrap said...

Mene Mene

nicrap said...

;)

Joe Conservative said...

Must be time for some non-food metaphors... :(

nicrap said...

Just don't be a prodigal is all i have to say. ;)

Jen Nifer said...

No! Bring on the food metaphors! I'm hungry. (I don't care if nicrap thinks I'm a glutton. ;-)

Sorry, FJ, I have been the prodigal son (daughter) more times than I care to count.

Thersites said...

NG will serve as prodigal, today. Although it sounds as if her experiences were more prodigious than prodigal. ;)

nicrap said...

Heh. Did she have an early Christmas dinner?

Thersites said...

I obviously missed something. Sorry.

nicrap said...

nah. i just wanted to ask, What about Ng? :)

Thersites said...

She's well, but has been posting rather irregularly. I haven't seen you there for a while, so I assume you've had something of a falling out. Apologies if I made you uncomfortable.

-FJ said...

Merry Christmas, Jen, Nicrap, Ducky and all you photo-lover posters!

Ducky's here said...

Merry Christmas, Jen.

Jen Nifer said...

Merry Christmas FJ, Duck, and Nicrap. Love to you all!

nicrap said...

@Thersites

No apologies were needed, my friend. And you are right. I no longer visit her blog. But there was no falling out. I simply stopped going there one fine day, i guess because i was not being able to maintain the necessary distance ... the decision was deliberate and all mine, anyway. And she is aware of it. :)

nicrap said...

Merry Christmas, everyone!

-FJ said...

Thanks for letting me know. Social distance, more than economic distance, can be a little difficult and most certainly entails much greater personal "risk".

And once again, Happy Holidays!

nicrap said...

Very well put, indeed. The "risk" thing was especially apt. But more about that some other time. :)

I wish you the same, my friend.

Ducky's here said...

Gots to know, Jen.

Did you pull some neat developing trick or is that "Detour" shot real?

Ducky's here said...

Question.

How often have phone lines detracted from perfectly good shots?

They're almost as bad as traffic signs.

Jen Nifer said...

Duck, the shot was overexposed.
But then I developed it in exhausted D76. The shot of the tree and leaves was made in the same developer. I like the way it looks. Funny, but it was so much easier to control the contrast when the D76 started to become exhausted. That leaves/tree shot nearly looks toned.

And I agree about phone lines. But cell phones bother me MUCH more. Ugh. People looking down at their phones...