Oh God. FJ, I'm so small. Every decision is made in a tiny space with finance, practicality, personal satisfaction, and utility in mind. I'm nowhere close to making a difference to anyone. The hero journey is still relevant, but only between my two ears. And that's better than nothing. My children might care, but that can't be the motivating factor.
My response to uncertainty and anxiety is to do nothing. To hibernate. To hide.
I watch time pass, life speed by, as I hide and watch.
I feel frustrated at my lack of determination.
from the Jowett summary of Plato's "Republic"
Now that those who practise justice do so involuntarily and because they have not the power to be unjust will best appear if we imagine something of this kind: having given both to the just and the unjust power to do what they will, let us watch and see whither desire will lead them; then we shall discover in the very act the just and unjust man to be proceeding along the same road, following their interest, which all natures deem to be their good, and are only diverted into the path of justice by the force of law. The liberty which we are supposing may be most completely given to them in the form of such a power as is said to have been possessed by Gyges, the ancestor of Croesus the Lydian. According to the tradition, Gyges was a shepherd in the service of the king of Lydia; there was a great storm, and an earthquake made an opening in the earth at the place where he was feeding his flock. Amazed at the sight, he descended into the opening, where, among other marvels, he beheld a hollow brazen horse, having doors, at which he stooping and looking in saw a dead body of stature, as appeared to him, more than human, and having nothing on but a gold ring; this he took from the finger of the dead and reascended. Now the shepherds met together, according to custom, that they might send their monthly report about the flocks to the king; into their assembly he came having the ring on his finger, and as he was sitting among them he chanced to turn the collet of the ring inside his hand, when instantly he became invisible to the rest of the company and they began to speak of him as if he were no longer present. He was astonished at this, and again touching the ring he turned the collet outwards and reappeared; he made several trials of the ring, and always with the same result—when he turned the collet inwards he became invisible, when outwards he reappeared. Whereupon he contrived to be chosen one of the messengers who were sent to the court; whereas soon as he arrived he seduced the queen, and with her help conspired against the king and slew him, and took the kingdom. Suppose now that there were two such magic rings, and the just put on one of them and the unjust the other; no man can be imagined to be of such an iron nature that he would stand fast in justice. No man would keep his hands off what was not his own when he could safely take what he liked out of the market, or go into houses and lie with any one at his pleasure, or kill or release from prison whom he would, and in all respects be like a God among men. Then the actions of the just would be as the actions of the unjust; they would both come at last to the same point. And this we may truly affirm to be a great proof that a man is just, not willingly or because he thinks that justice is any good to him individually, but of necessity, for wherever any one thinks that he can safely be unjust, there he is unjust. For all men believe in their hearts that injustice is far more profitable to the individual than justice, and he who argues as I have been supposing, will say that they are right. If you could imagine any one obtaining this power of becoming invisible, and never doing any wrong or touching what was another's, he would be thought by the lookers-on to be a most wretched idiot, although they would praise him to one another's faces, and keep up appearances with one another from a fear that they too might suffer injustice. Enough of this.
But see, what you consider my chosen/imposed identity is just what YOU think. I mean, I am a mother/PT/daughter, but I don't exactly see myself that way. When I think of my goals/struggles/strengths, it's much more personal than "mom struggles". I assume most people are the same way, but I could be wrong. You know I don't subscribe to identity politics and I love seeing the quotes by Judith Butler. But I don't think my fear is based in my assigned identity.
And then you had to throw some Pogo on top of everything?! ;-)
...and perhaps I do "project" a bit here, because I don't throw my job away and pursue my own goals because I have responsibilities as a husband/parent/sole 'breadwinner'.
My primary goal is to replace passive entertainment consumption with active productivity. My current "excuse" is that after a day doing sh*t that no longer matters to me (aka- my "job"), I'm tired and need to re-charge. In August of '23 I hope to get that 40+ hours a week back and have replaced it with a housekeeping and writing regimen that has become "habitualized". I already have a strong "daily" routine, but I need to work in weekly and monthly cycles to break up the daily monotony. I also still consume far too much tv.... and my eyesight isn't what it used to be. My eyes actually hurt looking at a white/light screen...
Besides, the programs I consume are also detrimental to my sense of reality. They reflect a reality (a hyper-normality) that I no longer believe in.
I want to live "authentically" in an "authentic" world. The world depicted in mass entertainment and in the "News" is NOT that world. To immerse yourself in it, as I have done these past 20+ years is an unsatisfying/false dasein.
It's what remains when you take away the media narratives that hypernormalize our individual beliefs. I have a soundtrack of verbal thought that I call my "conscience" that runs through my head during waking hours. It interprets the experiences I have on a daily basis. There is also an "outside narrative" that enters when I passively watch tv. That, to me, in an "inauthentic" narrative... and yet it influences my internal one. I can't talk or reason with it. It's like the voice of the big "Other" issuing commands. You, I can talk and reason with. We "inter-act". It, I can't. It's like a diode, the words only go one way.... "in". My presence is desired, but my objections are not.
I want my world to be "interactive". If its' not interactive, its' artificial/phony, and I'm not a part of it.
In other words, I want to be "done" with abandoning my own unregulated interpassivity to the influence of others.... especially of the "modern" or "newly minted" variety unless I'm deliberately studying it, like a Zizek talk.
It's always good to end with a little Tenacious D.
Over the past year, I've become MUCH more interpassive. Actually, it started with Trump's election. And then covid. Now I'm sick of Netflix and missing my friends. I miss long talks and belly laughs.
I'm ready to get back to it.
I've always struggled with understanding what "authentic" really means. To me, there isn't an audience when I'm authentic. I'm usually alone.
It's being present. And that's much more difficult than interpassivity.
I change my mind. I'm not ready to get back to "it". I'm so tired of people and their pettiness. Their complaints sound so stupid and meaningless to me. Their categories and identities and good vs bad. Their checklists of goodness, always checked off in public, of course.
Right now I feel an intense disregard for people, and I despise it.
I think the last five years has created a more polarized America, all the way down to small towns. I'm not sick of EVERYONE, just the loud-mouthed people... On both sides of everything. I'm very much a middle-ground person these days, and THAT'S where it's really lonely.
The only campaign yard signs I put up are for school board elections.
So back to your comments on media depictions of hyper- normality. I distinctly remember watching The Cosby Show and feeling really depressed that my family was not as good as theirs.
Comments
I watch time pass, life speed by, as I hide and watch.
I feel frustrated at my lack of determination.
from the Jowett summary of Plato's "Republic"
Now that those who practise justice do so involuntarily and because they have not the power to be unjust will best appear if we imagine something of this kind: having given both to the just and the unjust power to do what they will, let us watch and see whither desire will lead them; then we shall discover in the very act the just and unjust man to be proceeding along the same road, following their interest, which all natures deem to be their good, and are only diverted into the path of justice by the force of law. The liberty which we are supposing may be most completely given to them in the form of such a power as is said to have been possessed by Gyges, the ancestor of Croesus the Lydian. According to the tradition, Gyges was a shepherd in the service of the king of Lydia; there was a great storm, and an earthquake made an opening in the earth at the place where he was feeding his flock. Amazed at the sight, he descended into the opening, where, among other marvels, he beheld a hollow brazen horse, having doors, at which he stooping and looking in saw a dead body of stature, as appeared to him, more than human, and having nothing on but a gold ring; this he took from the finger of the dead and reascended. Now the shepherds met together, according to custom, that they might send their monthly report about the flocks to the king; into their assembly he came having the ring on his finger, and as he was sitting among them he chanced to turn the collet of the ring inside his hand, when instantly he became invisible to the rest of the company and they began to speak of him as if he were no longer present. He was astonished at this, and again touching the ring he turned the collet outwards and reappeared; he made several trials of the ring, and always with the same result—when he turned the collet inwards he became invisible, when outwards he reappeared. Whereupon he contrived to be chosen one of the messengers who were sent to the court; whereas soon as he arrived he seduced the queen, and with her help conspired against the king and slew him, and took the kingdom. Suppose now that there were two such magic rings, and the just put on one of them and the unjust the other; no man can be imagined to be of such an iron nature that he would stand fast in justice. No man would keep his hands off what was not his own when he could safely take what he liked out of the market, or go into houses and lie with any one at his pleasure, or kill or release from prison whom he would, and in all respects be like a God among men. Then the actions of the just would be as the actions of the unjust; they would both come at last to the same point. And this we may truly affirm to be a great proof that a man is just, not willingly or because he thinks that justice is any good to him individually, but of necessity, for wherever any one thinks that he can safely be unjust, there he is unjust. For all men believe in their hearts that injustice is far more profitable to the individual than justice, and he who argues as I have been supposing, will say that they are right. If you could imagine any one obtaining this power of becoming invisible, and never doing any wrong or touching what was another's, he would be thought by the lookers-on to be a most wretched idiot, although they would praise him to one another's faces, and keep up appearances with one another from a fear that they too might suffer injustice. Enough of this.
SOCRATES: Then not only custom but nature also affirms that to do is more disgraceful than to suffer injustice, and that justice is equality;
And then you had to throw some Pogo on top of everything?! ;-)
Besides, the programs I consume are also detrimental to my sense of reality. They reflect a reality (a hyper-normality) that I no longer believe in.
I want my world to be "interactive". If its' not interactive, its' artificial/phony, and I'm not a part of it.
Over the past year, I've become MUCH more interpassive. Actually, it started with Trump's election. And then covid. Now I'm sick of Netflix and missing my friends. I miss long talks and belly laughs.
I'm ready to get back to it.
I've always struggled with understanding what "authentic" really means. To me, there isn't an audience when I'm authentic. I'm usually alone.
It's being present. And that's much more difficult than interpassivity.
Right now I feel an intense disregard for people, and I despise it.
I need to go camping.
The only campaign yard signs I put up are for school board elections.
And now to know what Cosby's real REALITY was....