I just woke up about two hours ago, first day  off of work since March. it felt so good, i felt that lighthearted happiness that a kid feels on vacation. i laid (?) in  my hammock for while, made coffee with whip cream on top, and then i meditated for 15 minutes. i tried meditating in college but it never clicked. now it is getting better, but my mind goes non stop. is that the mind trying to sort things out, involuntarily?

i don't know what's going on in our world today. i feel distant and i like it. i don't like being pressured into anything. i find myself pushing away from all pressure. i wish more people would, on all sides.


politically, i'm pissed off. at everyone. stop pushing me. i'm not your pawn. good or bad i don't know. i'll be over here and try to remember to love one another. isn't it really that simple?

i want to be outdoors, alone.
i want to be light, physically and spiritually.

and at the same time i'm wanting to learn more. more anatomy, treatment techniques, hands on. i want to be more intuitive, which sounds like a contradiction, but i think that confidence/intuitive hands on mode comes from knowing the facts / anatomy / technique so well that it is no longer conscious recall of knowledge but deeply embedded memory.

i like being teachable. but not mindlessly lead-able.

i'm feeling more connected to my body and want to move more, stretch more, sweat more. i'm remembering how athletic i once was and how good that felt to own my body and push it.

and at the same time to no longer solely identify myself by my athleticism (step daughter of a coach/gymnast/injured track runner). that part of me feels so distant now. so performance based, always a step too slow for total approval.

feeling less desperate for intellectual recognition than years past. that's huge.

feeling way less concerned about being seen as interesting / intelligent / attractive.
huge again.

seeing these kids be forced to stay home together, enjoying each other. finding comfort and healing together with laughter and silliness. that's huge. probably the most joyous thing my heart has seen in recent years

seeing them hurt, letting them hurt, not rescuing them. and then seeing them move forward.

i keep having this memory and it morphs.
in a guest bedroom, 6 years old, lots of other kids with me, nap time after a long hot morning of playing outside in the water. swamp cooler droning on, heavy homemade quilt on top of me, weighing me down with comfort. time to sleep with a full belly and nothing else. freedom.