brain dump:
this year was a blur, like the one before it.
the changes i'm facing are nearly all internal, mental shifts that all seem to be hitting at once.
work: my empathy is running low. i get burned out seeing people with such little regard for their health. my response is detached. if you don't care, nobody can help you. lack of empathy slides into cynicism, and that's fuel for depression. add corporate micromanagement and putting profits FAR above actual patient outcomes and i'm bordering on wanting to change professions. for profit healthcare just seems to be an impossible situation. maybe i'm just in the wrong place.
kids: i knew this part would be hard for me. i don't know how to parent in the transition to adulthood. how much do i say? how much do i help? i'm at a loss..... i'm operating out of pure fear and that's no way to be...
marriage: i love him. i wish we had more time together. we really do like each other, and that's important to me. i feel like he misses me because i'm struggling to keep my head above water emotionally.
physical: i've gained weight due to an ineffective antidepressant and being sedentary for several months. depressions sucks the energy out of me. i miss camping. i want to walk more on the trail and just be outdoors more. i've been exhausted this year, with trying to help my kids, patients, in laws... i often want to sneak away for a couple days and do what feeds my soul...
personal: my self has be buried under piles of worthless worry. it's such a waste of time and energy. i miss my enthusiasm about photography, camping, friends... i feel resentful about creating. everything feels stupid and i don't know where to start. probably doesn't matter. each day is a new change. hell, each hour is a new chance. is there an age where you're supposed to quit thinking so much about yourself? if feels self-indulgent, but it's impossible to be functional if you don't think about your self. it's not like it was several years ago, i'm not totally self-centered. i'm just trying to not totally lose myself and my joy for life. that's not wrong, is it?
spiritual: i feel both more connected and less. more in that i feel God's presence when i pray, when i walk, when i hold that tension in waiting for the next step to develop. i feel less connected to others spiritually, but that's easier to remedy, i think.
i need hope. i need grace. i need courage. i need to let go.
this year was a blur, like the one before it.
the changes i'm facing are nearly all internal, mental shifts that all seem to be hitting at once.
work: my empathy is running low. i get burned out seeing people with such little regard for their health. my response is detached. if you don't care, nobody can help you. lack of empathy slides into cynicism, and that's fuel for depression. add corporate micromanagement and putting profits FAR above actual patient outcomes and i'm bordering on wanting to change professions. for profit healthcare just seems to be an impossible situation. maybe i'm just in the wrong place.
kids: i knew this part would be hard for me. i don't know how to parent in the transition to adulthood. how much do i say? how much do i help? i'm at a loss..... i'm operating out of pure fear and that's no way to be...
marriage: i love him. i wish we had more time together. we really do like each other, and that's important to me. i feel like he misses me because i'm struggling to keep my head above water emotionally.
physical: i've gained weight due to an ineffective antidepressant and being sedentary for several months. depressions sucks the energy out of me. i miss camping. i want to walk more on the trail and just be outdoors more. i've been exhausted this year, with trying to help my kids, patients, in laws... i often want to sneak away for a couple days and do what feeds my soul...
personal: my self has be buried under piles of worthless worry. it's such a waste of time and energy. i miss my enthusiasm about photography, camping, friends... i feel resentful about creating. everything feels stupid and i don't know where to start. probably doesn't matter. each day is a new change. hell, each hour is a new chance. is there an age where you're supposed to quit thinking so much about yourself? if feels self-indulgent, but it's impossible to be functional if you don't think about your self. it's not like it was several years ago, i'm not totally self-centered. i'm just trying to not totally lose myself and my joy for life. that's not wrong, is it?
spiritual: i feel both more connected and less. more in that i feel God's presence when i pray, when i walk, when i hold that tension in waiting for the next step to develop. i feel less connected to others spiritually, but that's easier to remedy, i think.
i need hope. i need grace. i need courage. i need to let go.
Comments
How awkward would THAT be...
Just kidding!!
She's trained you well.
;-)