brain dump

working a lot more than usual now. more than in recent years.
feeling the ego getting too proud, feeling less satisfied most of the time

find myself wishing i lived in a society that was far less commercial
wishing things were less high tech, less instant, less appearance driven
feeling like a stranded motorist with no destination

entered three pieces in an art show
someone described them as "craft-like", meaning arts and crafts
felt insulted but then agreed
it's not art.
what is art?
who cares?
and didn't at all enjoy my creations being judged by someone else.
might not do that anytime soon.

wanting to get off antidepressants.
gaining weight.
feeling sluggish.

wanting to go camping.
but needing more than a weekend.
wanting something deeper.
i miss having a prayer life
i miss dreaming
i miss taking good care of myself
i miss spending time with good friends.

maybe i'll plan some short road trips
maybe i'll start a new book

wasn't ready for this new phase in life
they're all nearly grown
not needing me in the same ways
still needing me, will fewer i love yous

feeling unattractive in this world
feeling invisible and generic and uninteresting
maybe i'll call a friend
maybe we'll have dinner and coffee
maybe