i just came across a bunch of homeschool materials and a wave of sadness washed over me.
that episode is still too raw. i had to revisit the memories of being in that group to realize what an immense relief it is to NOT be in that group anymore.
but what a pity.
because it was honestly the best education a child can get at that stage in life.
the problem with parenting is that you never know if there is something much better than what you're currently doing. well, i guess if you're in a horrible situation, education wise, you can assume there are better options. but in our situation, it seems to be a toss up. our public school district is mediocre at best. i see it deteriorating in certain areas, primarily physics, chemistry, anatomy, literature, visual arts....yet we continue to pass multi-million dollar bond packages to upgrade the football stadium.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((good thing all those mediocre football players will go on to be stellar citizens with all the morals they're taught by those coaches. good thing they'll all go on to earn a living with football....)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
anyway.
i was amazed at how much she learned in one year. just the grammar and writing alone was beyond anything she'll get in public schools. she caught up on math (was behind from public school fifth grade), and surpassed her peers. she learned more about geography, history, and art. it really was a good year, education wise.
but then there was the social aspect.
in my adult life i have never felt as alone as i did in this particular group. the layers of persona were so thick....thicker than i've ever experienced. and why do women do that? maybe men do too, but i'm not around them as much. why do women put so much effort into creating an image? and most of the time it's JUST LIKE everyone else around her.
i found myself wanting to lash out. color my hair again.
i started to feel like i was a caged animal.
i know that's all my stuff. but how much easier is life when we can relate to the person next to us? how much lighter is a burden shared? not here. no burdens shared. no weakness revealed. no cracks in the exterior.
i'm so cracked. so imperfect that i don't have the energy to cover it up to that extent.
that episode is still too raw. i had to revisit the memories of being in that group to realize what an immense relief it is to NOT be in that group anymore.
but what a pity.
because it was honestly the best education a child can get at that stage in life.
the problem with parenting is that you never know if there is something much better than what you're currently doing. well, i guess if you're in a horrible situation, education wise, you can assume there are better options. but in our situation, it seems to be a toss up. our public school district is mediocre at best. i see it deteriorating in certain areas, primarily physics, chemistry, anatomy, literature, visual arts....yet we continue to pass multi-million dollar bond packages to upgrade the football stadium.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((good thing all those mediocre football players will go on to be stellar citizens with all the morals they're taught by those coaches. good thing they'll all go on to earn a living with football....)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
anyway.
i was amazed at how much she learned in one year. just the grammar and writing alone was beyond anything she'll get in public schools. she caught up on math (was behind from public school fifth grade), and surpassed her peers. she learned more about geography, history, and art. it really was a good year, education wise.
but then there was the social aspect.
in my adult life i have never felt as alone as i did in this particular group. the layers of persona were so thick....thicker than i've ever experienced. and why do women do that? maybe men do too, but i'm not around them as much. why do women put so much effort into creating an image? and most of the time it's JUST LIKE everyone else around her.
i found myself wanting to lash out. color my hair again.
i started to feel like i was a caged animal.
i know that's all my stuff. but how much easier is life when we can relate to the person next to us? how much lighter is a burden shared? not here. no burdens shared. no weakness revealed. no cracks in the exterior.
i'm so cracked. so imperfect that i don't have the energy to cover it up to that extent.
Comments
#stepsoffsoapbox... ;p
Amen to that!
I was a high strung kid, and a perfectionist through college. i can't say it helped me any, but it did give me a peptic ulcer on two occasions.
Parenting is wild...I'm no longer trying to accomplish MY best, but hoping that my decisions won't hinder them down the road. The pressure around education has been a killer.
At this point, I can honestly say that I'm doing my best, and it's good enough.
I had a great mentor/friend who's retired now, but who's motto was, "Work is never hard, it's people who make work hard." He was so right. It has taken me decades to learn how NOT to be the one who's making the work, hard.
I had to abandon ship (homeschooling) because the social aspect of it was too difficult for me. ME.
I think the education (information / knowledge) was better overall, but the fact that it's a FULL TIME JOB was too much for me, ESPECIALLY since there was little to no support in the community. There's nothing worse, in my opinion, than feeling utterly alone in a room full of people. Having NO connection to the people around you. and add to it, we were all SUPPOSEDLY CHRISTIANS. good grief. no wonder the world around us is put off by "us". (i'd rather laugh with the sinners...)
but like I said, I"m doing the best I can, and that's good enough right now.
and fj, I love that song, thanks.
You, for some reason, avoided the breakdown. Maybe it was losing a child, early. Maybe it was the hardship of growing up. But you seem to have avoided that breakdown, that "mid-life" crisis that I had to go through in order to reach the other side where I could balance the demands being placed upon me in my life. Yes, my first child was just going away to college when it happened... and he was failing (commuting 50 miles to University of Maryland was a BAD idea). So I broke down. He went to our local Community College. And eventually, UM Baltimore County. That was me, finally doing what I should have done at the outset, allowing him to "live" on campus.
SO I "get" those other women. They were mis-educated into believing that they had to "do their own work". They won't let the cracks show... but are at grave risk to being "shattered" as a result.
A good friend of mine when I was growing up had a dad that had a "nervous breakdown" while serving as a Major in the USAF. He never worked again. I don't think he ever learned the lesson that did. That I wasn't Superman. AND that I couldn't do it all, myself.
When I work with one of my Product Design Leads, I start by admitting my incompetence in his field of expertise. I then ask his to share it with me so that I can document it in a plan for achieving it. Once I've gathered inputs from multiple PDL's, I then share this consolidated plan with other team members in a more public forum, and allow them to critique and make further recommendations/ refinements. In doing so, my PDL learns how others are depending upon his products to support their own. And he learns by reviewing their plans what they need from him, and why they need it. Things he left out of his original plans that they will need in order for the overall effort to succeed.
It can be painful. It can be awkward. But the discussion is necessary. Especially when your working with the egos of (sometimes) Nobel Laureates and some of the top engineers and scientists in the country.
...admitting ignorance, incompetence, and/or weakness isn't easy.
----
no it's not easy at all.
that's why i felt a complete panic when i was in a new situation, a newbie, needing lots of help from a bunch of folks unwilling to connect and help. they were more than happy to point me towards a website, curriculum, books, etc, but less than eager to really get down into the "survival" of homeschooling.
i hear what you're saying about your early education on self-sufficiency. i guess i got that message early on, too. maybe it was losing Angel that brought me to my knees and forced me to ask for help and admit my weaknesses. i find that the people i connect to, learn from, and love, are the ones who are willing and able to open up and accept their own weaknesses - reach out for connection - and become stronger for it.
i'm drawn to "strong" people, but under that strength is a need for personal connection and humility.
------
yes, i see that. and i saw it then. and it utterly terrified me. Looking back, it was a combination of impenetrable masks, and Christian sub-culture, which has had a damaging effect on me in the past. A lot of painful dynamics at the same time made it impossible to continue. and i felt cowardly in the face of that. i felt pissed off and unwilling to be the vulnerable one yet again with the church folks. (i know that this goes directly back to the way my church responded (or how i perceived their response) after Angel died, which was to do NOTHING and avoid me at all costs.)
anyway, thank you for listening.
this adventure into homeschooling was a catalyst for me deal with some old trauma.
it wasn't all that bad.
i'm just writing this to get it down, not throw a pity party.
Looking back I can see so clearly how acutely I felt that intersection, that choice to open up or shut down. You mentioned it being "incredibly vulnerable", and it felt like terror. I can see how I got out of that situation...I literally left, as soon as possible. But it makes me wonder if in the future I'll be able to handle it differently. I wonder if I'll ever have the capacity to hold on to myself in that kind of environment. Just thinking about the possibility makes my heart race. I don't want to always run away from tough situations.
But at the same time, sometimes that response might be our instincts telling us it's best to leave. I don't know...
Are you shaking your head at all this "psychology"??
:-)
"Ye lovers of frolic, who blithsome and gay,
Resolve to be merry on Tammany's Day;
I Neddy the Sachem, by some surnamed P—e,
For a moment would like your attention to call.
In barbarous days, ere America rose
The pride of her Friends, and the scourge of her foes,
Old Tammany bounding o'er valley and hill,
Every deer that he met would constantly kill:
So each of his sons in remembrance of that,
On his birthday displays a Buck's Tail in his hat.
Now those who this tuft emblematic must buy,
To me let them come, and their wants I ll supply.
Since S—dd----S's deer skins I plundered of late,
I their tails can retail at a moderate rate:
‘Tis the joy of my heart all my neighbors to fleece;
Come buy my fine Buck Tails at six-pence apiece.
"NEDDY THE SACHEM."