for a few months now i've had an idea about writing more...
about starting to write about childhood memories and slowly build up to
now.

i get these fits of inspiration: for writing, for photography, for travel...
and then LIFE inevitably happens again and the wind is out of my sails.

so i'll start writing now, while the waters are smooth.

right now i'm sitting here listening to REM, feeling so warm inside.
REM was one the bands that followed me from high school through college, and
always seemed to pull me up out of the depths. I miss that. So much music just
perpetuates the sorrow and helps me to wallow in it. I need to be pulled up.

for about....a year now....I've had a distressing need to create distance between
me and my children. sounds crazy. but it's not.
i'm seeing so clearly, that they MUST struggle to become stronger.
I CANNOT and DO NOT want to stop the struggle.
i'm here for wisdom, love, encouragement....but NOT to rescue them.

and sometimes ...dammit...they seem to suffer too much. one in particular, just
seems to hurt. so much that she denies it.
and i can't stop it.
because when i try to help her, to rescue her, to prop her up, it makes
EVERYTHING WORSE.

she sees it.
i see it.

so....i try to create distance. not an easy task, to have distance but to be available..
but not TOO available.
shit what a joke it can be.
i love/hate you. i am sick of/need you. talk to me/stop asking me!

makes me crazy.

so i camp. walk. sleep. go and do.

and while this one is sick of me, the "little" one needs me to snuggle her. come closer. hold me.
and i do. oh do i.
i snuggle her so close.
i smell her hair and hold her tight.
and then i see her putting on makeup and getting attitude and i just have to go
cry for a minute.

everyone betrays everyone. my therapist told me that once.
what a shitter!
"even your children will betray you", she said.
no, not mine.
well, i'm not crying now.
my job is to work myself out of a job - as a parent.

they are SUPPOSED to grow up.
They are SUPPOSED to need space and distance from me.
they are even SUPPOSED to get sick of my voice and face.
we are programmed to.

so it goes.

anyway, i'm listening to REM, feeling some peace, seeing life progress as it should.
because seeing them grow up is better than not.

iloveyou