I'm hardly present, it seems

and so time seems to be speeding by

it's stupid to stay so busy

because the waters are relatively smooth right now

I had become so accustomed to storms, that I'm uncomfortable

with the calm

who was it who said that freedom was terrifying?

he was right

they need me less and less,

and I may become one of those women

who forgets who she was

and adopts puppy after puppy

just to have something to hold

I don't know who I'll be

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I'm so negative right now. hating on strangers

pissed off at coworkers

and crying when they're in their rooms

more therapy? maybe I'm eternally broken.

I read this blog, back to 2012, and I think I 

was smarter, more insightful, and healthier. 

that's great. going around the loop again.

maybe I'm tired.

I do know that I have no tolerance for bullshit. 

I have little tolerance for anything. 

my walls are high.

I'll read this in a couple years and have no idea

what I was talking about on this day.

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this week a coworker spoke to me like a hateful 

parent speaks to a 3 year old child. she accused me

of going through someone's desk. she's about ten 

years younger than me, and it completely blew me

apart. I was shaking, I was so angry. the more I talked

the less she said, and that made me even angrier. 

I wish I had handled it differently. 

I seem to be really bad at dealing with difficult people.

maybe I am more difficult than they are. 

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I watched President Bush's funeral proceedings on TV

this week. I felt an old familiar sense of goodness and 

peace that I haven't felt in years. 

I missed going to church and feeling a connection 

to other believers and having a sense of God's presence

and love.

I enjoyed hearing about how GHW Bush enjoyed life and

lived it to the fullest, well into old age. 

I love that he told jokes and gave people nicknames and

took pictures of his staff napping. 

I hope we can once again have a good, dignified, courageous

person as President soon. Maybe I've completely misjudged

trump, but he seems like a man baby to me. He seems so 

undeveloped in so many ways. we'll see. my conservative

friends seem to view him completely differently...nearly as 

if they are wearing rose colored glasses. I tend to think I'm 

not wearing ANY glasses anymore, but maybe I can't even 

see them. maybe I have an ideology and don't even realize

it. either way, he lost me long ago, and I can't in good 

conscience support him. funny to look back at the Clinton years

and see the differences and similarities between the two men, 

and how the media treated them differently, but each one has

blind followers who refuse to consider the other side.

what's that old Avett Brother's song about how a man's life

doesn't change by who's in office? 

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I wonder if my job does anybody any good?

I wonder how I ever had the determination 

to get through school. I'm so glad I don't have

to do it again. if I did, I'd study photography/

drawing/poetry and I'd probably have to work 

as a bank teller or daycare worker to pay the 

bills. would that be better? is it more noble to 

do the thing you love or the thing that supports

your family?

am I doing anything at all that's noble?

does everyone go through these things...

whatever this is?

did GHW Bush go through periods of blah?

I cried every time someone mentioned Robin 

at the funeral service. 

I think I need to be more social

and be around like minded adults. 

I think I need to serve others. 

I think I need to set goals and get serious

about having more fun.

ok, good talk.