this morning i'm exhausted

physically, because i no longer sleep well

emotionally, because i stay that way

i'm so exhausted with the internal conflict of doubt vs belief.

and then there's the self-criticism for doubting every damn thing

doubting human goodness, doubting God's interest and care for me

doubting my ability as a parent, friend, adult

i am not integrated right now

i'm a walking jigsaw puzzle, whose parts float and disconnect

you cannot tell what i am or who i am, and most days i can't even tell you myself

i wish i could ignore 90% of my thoughts

ignore and block out the questions that go to the core of everything

wondering why i can't settle on a foundation and stay still, 

growing deep roots that anchor everything, every damn thing

why am i always repeating this cycle? will i ever stop questioning

and doubting?

it's exhausting

and i don't care about so many things

superficial details are neglected

no pleasure in the small things for so long now

so tired

but i'll keep doing things

and making things

washing things and buying things

cooking things and loving people

and i'll just keep going

trusting that things will connect

that's one thing i do have.

i trust that this will all connect

i trust that i will be conntected

and my heart and mind and 

self will all be one.

i do believe that.