this life can be fun.
if i'm in an adventurous mood, willing to deal with it's harsh contrasts.
but when i'm tired
and out of ideas
and the people i love
don't love themselves
it's not fun
i feel like a new parent
when every situation is a first
and my stomach is nervous
when it hits me
just how little control i have
so i bought this new paper, and i keep buying film. and i don't even know why. i guess it's because i find it fun. and it's not hurting me or anyone else. and maybe that's the best we can hope for in life. find a hobby or group of people that bring you closer to peace, and stick with it. you can't change other people or control them. it's enough to take care of yourself.
i'm trying to make sense without telling other people's stories.
i think that the wise thing to do is: take care of myself DAILY. show how i feel and be honest. show up. i'm here. i'm praying.
is it possible that things really ARE this complicated, and i just don't want to admit it? or is it a matter of perception? (yes)
i've lost a few friendships in the past 2 years. mostly because i don't have the patience anymore to hear about minutia. "i hate my job" THEN QUIT. "i miss my ex" GET OVER IT. HE LEFT YOU. "i need therapy" THEN GO. you know? i have no patience for inaction. DO SOMETHING. weed them out. make new friends. get some perspective. and then...i don't feel free to talk about my life. because...i get silence in return. i know i'm not exceptional in any way. (or we all are...whichever). but who cares about the rising cost of insulin and how dangerously low she went last night when we could spend an hour complaining about your sex life. (hint: nobody cares) oh, and i think that those all-too-often moments of terror are cumulative. they do something to a person. (i don't want to be so jaded. maybe i needed a little jadedness but not this much.)
the thing about isolation is ...it begets isolation.
my prayer is for a right perspective. i know i'm off at this point.