Things lately

 The enemy is rarely who I think it is. It's nearly always me.


I want to be a better person, but not by anyone else's standards but my own. 


I want to possess a calm that is deep and abiding, and the past year has shown me just how easily I am shaken. 


At 46 I feel like I am just beginning to have a grip on my thoughts. I was going to write "and beliefs", but that's not true. I am still changing, but I feel less pressure to identify or label myself. 


I want to know my friends more and experience deep joy with them. I want to love people more.


I want to be less guarded, but not because I trust everyone, because I trust myself.


I want to see beauty all around me, in moments and people.


I want to feel content and be okay with stillness.


I want to embrace challenges and finish the goals I set.


That's me, looking at 47.



Comments

I watched the movie "Barefoot" on HBO yesterday, and it reminded me of how much I miss the innocence of my youth and how much I regret how cynical I've become. I wish I could embrace people without suspicion or a need to uncover their hidden motives and agendas.... to trust that their motives are friendly and pure... without the need to have my guard up. Overall I've lead a pretty charmed/good life, Where does all this distrust come from and how can I get rid of it? Am I clinging too tightly?

All rhetorical questions, btw.
nicrap said…
All Rhetorical questions, btw.

Haha.

Btw, did anyone watch the Ballad of Buster Scruggs on Netflix?
Jen said…
FJ, I wasn't suspicious of people until my daughter died. I saw a side of people (church, neighbors) that I had never seen before. And ice recently experienced the dark side of a few coworkers that I'd rather have not witnessed.

The older we get, we see it in ourselves and others, and it becomes an effort to give people the benefit of the doubt... At least that's my take on it.

But I agree, it's sad to feel so cynical all the time.
Buster Scrugs? Can't say as I have. Is it any good?

Just call me jaded... ;).

<3)~......
nicrap said…
I like the second last and the last, though can't quite say understood the latter.
nicrap said…
Actually i liked the first and the second too. :) The writing is very good.
I'll have to look for them.

How are you doing, Nikhil? The news says that the epidemic is hitting India pretty hard. Hope you and yours are safe, and that it begins to ebb soon. Best wishes!
nicrap said…
I am doing well, fj! My brother and his wife were tested positive a few days ago. She is fine, while he is still struggling a little bit. His oxygen levels dip in the mornings, but otherwise he is well. His fever is under control, and i guess all in all he is out of danger.

I too hope that it will begin to ebb soon. Thanks again!
Hope you brother recovers w/o any permanent damage. I'm am happy to hear that you are well. Stay safe!
nicrap said…
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nicrap said…
it reminded me of how much I miss the innocence of my youth and how much I regret how cynical I've become.

I think i have retained my innocence in this respect, even completely i would say. Never feel the need to have my guard up against people. But i am somewhat of a misanthrope, i would add, avoid people when i can. Frankly, they have little in common with me and bore me.
Sounds like nobody's really f'd with you head, Nikhil... at least not enough to make you suffer from paranoia and associated delusions. Call yourself fortunate.
nicrap said…
Too many love affairs gone bad, fj? ;) :) But, really, if the missus can't hear us, tell us about your romances. How many, when and where? I bet it will make for quite a story! :)
Sorry to say, there was only one real but rather clumsy and inept high school romance before the Mrs. And of course, there were a few "dens of iniquity" in various ports around the world. S. Korea, Taiwan, Brazil. And those were more done in the spirit of comraderie than anything else. So sorry to disappoint.

But no, I'm talking about being on the receiving end of a really good head f'ing. Something only your worst enemy could give you. You really haven't lived until you've gotten one and you've learned just how vulnerable to one that you are.

I could tell you about mine one day if you'd like, but not here. In the interest of my privacy, I'd post it at my hideout, and then delete it.
"The truth is, I've never fooled anyone. I've let men sometimes fool themselves."
--Marilyn Monroe
nicrap said…
Sure, fj! But would you like to revisit such a thing? And i really can't imagine someone having so much power over you that he or she can f*** with your mind in this way. So, yes, i will be interested to know (but only if it's not painful, like i said.)
Thersites said…
I can imagine it.
nicrap said…
You can delete the post now, MY FRIEND. It was painful for me to even read it in the knowledge that something like this happened to a friend of mine. I am truly sorry! and sincerely wish that some day you will put all that behind you completely, where it will become just another story for you.

Take care! :)
@Nikhil - Have you seen the movie, "The Lobster"? If so, what did you think of it?
nicrap said…
Will look for it, fj. Is it available on Netflix?
I saw it on the IFC International Film Channel... It's was one of the Cannes Film Festival runner ups.... so it's probably not on Netflix. You'll probably end up seeing it streaming on a sci-fi or arts type channel.

It's not the best film... but I thought you might find it interesting as a member of the "loner" cult. If nothing else, it's a head shaker. ;)
The "ending" leaves you hanging.... as it touches on the Oedipal.

I think it's one of the reasons that Jordan Peterson earned the lobster epithet.
nicrap said…
Not on Netflix.

The clips look promising. I will definitely keep an eye out for it.
Titan Uranus 2 said…
Anybody need a new alarm clock ring tone?
nicrap said…
lol. What is he drinking?

k. I have a question for you guys. We in India (or maybe just the Hindi speaking part of it) when we think of lizards always think of them as females. It is also true of many other species of animals, like spiders, etc. I just wanted to know if it is a culturally specific thing, or is it also true of the English speaking people, especially re lizards. I have a story idea and the answer is of some importance to it. :)
Jen said…
That's interesting. When I personify snakes and lizards, it's always as "he". 😂
No... there's no gender specific names in English for or a presupposition of a female sex for lizards/snakes/reptiles.... but I do kinda think of spider's as female (ala Charlotte's Web). English is pretty inconsistant.
Jen said…
FJ, have you seen Bo Burnham: Inside on Netflix? I can't believe I cried watching it. He's on to something...
Poor Bo. He broke the "performative loop" for five years...and then fell into the Covid abyss....

...it wasn't very satisfying for him, I don't think... although he did give it a smile aat the very end. :(
This comment has been removed by the author.
....at least "Robert" did. Somehow, I don't think that "Bo" and Robert" will every truly come together in any ultimately satisfying way. It's too depressing.
Jen said…
Bo will pen a musical soon. Mark my words.

I still can't believe how hard this hits.
^^Reason why Bo self-produced his OWN special^^
Jen said…
That was pretty awful. Too frenetic.
I prefer the authentic Robert to media created celbrity facsimiles. My influencers need to "stand for something" more than the latest McDonald's happy meal food offering.
Jen said…
Of course, the real Robert is the one I wanted to comfort when he was sobbing. I wish we could all love and be loved, just as we are, without the angst. We make everything so difficult.

It makes me so tired.
fyi - Nietzsche girl now has an Asst Professor teaching gig at Coventry University for all who remember her (found this on a Youtube search). She looks like she's doing well!
Jen said…
Thanks for the update FJ! I'm glad she's doing well.

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